In which Crispy vents about things that are probably very much none of your business about her guilt and her past friendships.
My mom spoke about me and my friendships today, and I spoke with friends about my past friendships as well. I don't know what it is about me or why it happens, but I tend to make very good friends, obscenely good friends with people, which then somehow ends up falling into the pits of a severe break up. It's strange, falling out, you know--it's almost like losing a girlfriend or a boyfriend that you had planned and promised to marry and stay faithful to for the rest of your life.
My mom talked about how generous I could be, and how much I invested into people when I got close to them. I think this is because getting close to people, for me, is pretty rare. Any military kid can tell you what it's like to build roots and have them ripped out from under you a few months later when you're forced to move somewhere new. Getting close to people is not my forte, nor really was it ever--it wasn't until now, being able to sit down and accept the fact that, yes, I've actually been in ONE HOUSE for 5 years for once in my goddamn life, that I was able to really feel alright with being so close to people. Maybe it's why it took me so long to say "yes" to someone who wanted to be in a relationship with me. I don't know.
So I invest. I hurt myself with their problems, and I cling to them when I have my own. I trust, and I listen, and slowly, after a while, I start to make promises, that will, of course, end up inevitably being broken. And I always always bottle up the pain and the rage and all the anger I usually feel when I don't like something, scared to lose the person because of it, only to end up having it break up what i used to have. Because there IS that bottle of rage sitting in the pit of a person's stomach, you know. Fed a thousand times over as it plays hiding place to things you wish you could say or punches you wish you could throw. Until it reaches its fullest amount and you end up throwing punches and saying things at the wrongest time, and they seem incredibly totally uncalled for then, but oh boy had it been festering in that little rage bottle.
Not to say I haven't dissolved friendships that called for it, I think. Do any of you know what it's like, attracting self-destructive people? It's like standing next to a black hole, you know. Takes and takes but never gives while at the same time threatening to suck you in and tear you up. And it doesn't give a shit either.
But every once in a while I think back to friendships I've lost over that, and can spot one or two where I start wondering whose fault (if there really was any) it was that Everything became Nothing. I'm not talking about faded friendships, where sight and sound slow dissolve from one scene to the next, where the other person happens to disappear from the plot. I mean those sudden thunder-clashes of there and gone, hello goodbye. Sometimes you just don't know what happened, you know? Even standing at the top of Mount Retrospect where you can see how stupid you were in certain situations, there are foggy bits.
Am I just horrible or something?
A Quick (i am a liar) Exampling Story
Once upon a time I had a friend. Let's call her Spodgy or something of the sort. We were rather close and all of that fun stuff, hippity hoppiting our way through plots and stories and forcing each other to draw better (tho all knows I was the one who was too full of herself to really apply herself to all that silly IMPROVEMENT AND PRACTICE stuff everyone who's worth anything loves talking about--damn them). Spodgy and I had gotten rather close, you know, despite all we had going against us, like the fact that I'm a jerk with anger management problems and Spodgy had the massive sin of living in Minnesota of all places. Five years close, as miraculous as that can be! Internet too, where it's easy to lose friends and all that on the typical basis of "you're a lot more annoying than I'm politely able to handle, so I suppose i'll just block you then."
Anywaysers, it was all very well and good until the collegy stuff came about, as we had made some sort of idyllic promise at one another to attend the same school and develop together forever and ever, like some sort of hip-joined Siamese art-twin. Well, I was never aggressive, really (except for when someone asked for a punch in the eye), and was lazier then than I am now (this is somehow possible), and so that all got mucked up, it did. I became very que sera sera, as filipinos do, and said "what will be will be" (as that is what que sera sera means), and that is when the straining came between the two of us, the first surgical cut in the Siamese flesh, I suppose to say. As she was much more insistent than I was, and much more proactive, and so Spodgy encouraged the Crispy-thing to move off her spongey bumbum and get to work as she was promised. And of course I was bothered, because really I had tried (though not as aggressively as I should have perhaps), and things at that moment were very hard on my end and I lamented over just not being good enough.
Blah blah blah other contributing factors, arguments, interlopers, egos, and misunderstandings, and this bottle of rage that everyone (I don't care who you are) everyone has that they keep in their stomach that they slowly slowly fill until it all blows up in the end. Spodgy and I had an argument, we frowned at each other and gnashed teeth and yelled, and then came the definitive I'M BLOCKING YOU period. (That was probably me first). Thanks to the kind attempts of a mutual friend, we did talk to one another again (after angry angry emails back and forth), that seemed to say "alright, we're apologizing, let's be friends again."
And then we never talked to each other again. The End! 8D
Oh one email here, another email there, and then a long period of nothingness before a throw away hello goodbye on IM followed by a continued nothingness...
And then I stop and wonder. Did I stop talking to Spodgy first, or did Spodgy stop talking to me?
Listening to: White Album
Reading: The Big Pink Job
Watching: One Piece
Playing: with your souls
Eating: your souls